colors

I am so overwhelmingly grateful that my parents raised me to not see color. I mean, of course everyone sees color. Instead of enrolling me into the magnet school that I had been invited to go too, they kept me in regular public school all through my grade school years. I think that had a lot to do with it. Also the fact that the neighborhood we lived in was probably 1/3 black, 1/3 white, and 1/3 Hispanics. I played with kids from all different backgrounds, some were rich, some were poor, some were from other countries. It didn't matter. 


My mom has told me stories of how she dated black guys and guys that were other ethnicites when she was my age. She said that she lost some friends because of it, but that you probably could not find better people than those guys were. Honestly, I didn't not know that there was still so much stereotyping and hatred towards people of other races until I got into middle school, because all of the kids that I went to elementary school with were brought up the same way. At least in the equality aspect. I distinctly remember two different times during my freshman year of high school I had a huge crush on two guys, both of whom were not white. I also remember when I told my friends how they kind of looked down and at each other like I had done something wrong. They said that they didn't think that there was anything wrong with me or other girls liking and dating outside of their own race, but "..if I brought home a black or Hispanic boy my dad would kill me." 


Why does where someone was born determine what type of person they are? It doesn't. So what if they crossed the border to try and better their lives in a country where they don't have to constantly fear for their own. I am sure that some of those people deserve to be here a heck of a lot more than some of the ungrateful 'Americans' that were born on this soil. It burns me UP when I hear people say things like, "Yeah... there has been a big influx of blacks into that neighborhood, I wouldn't be surprised if it starts going downhill soon." Guess what color the guy who just shot all those people in the Colorado movie theater was, WHITE. 

I guess I just don't really get it. It is 2012. Can we not move past this? 




I love that I have friends right now who just don't care. I love them.

Conversation between me and one of my favorite Cadets about a boy

Travis: So, did you text him goodnight with a smiley face?

Me: Well I said goodnight, but not with a smiley face.

Travis: Elyse! What the hell! We talked about this!

Me: giggle giggle giggle

Travis: Stop laughing! This shit it serious! Do you want this to work out with him or not?!

Me: Well, yeah I really do! (giggle)

Travis: Well then you HAVE to use smiley faces! I'm serious! I'm not giving you any more advice.

I appreciate having someone who can tell me that I need to come out of my depressed hibernation state.

Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Oh the one I've always wanted to know
Where I am not afraid of revealing, oh no
I'll show whatever I want whenever I want

Well I've done an awful lot of concealing
Yeah I've spent a lot of time just sitting at home
Oh and is the only way to find a free feeling on the road
Where you go wherever you want whenever you want

When you live in the unknown it becomes your home
And when you got nowhere left to go
Then you're gonna know

Where not to look for freedom
When you're inside your prison
And you're the only warden
Tell me where to look for freedom

Well I've been looking real hard for a teacher
But they better not be looking for me
'Cause I never found one in a preacher, oh Lord
Anyone that says that they see the way I should be

When everything you know
You don't recognize at all
Well then you got nowhere left to go
Then you're gonna know

Where not to look for freedom
When you're inside your prison
And you're the only warden
Tell me where to look for freedom

Oh I been getting heavy into my reading
Oh I been listening to my favorite song
Well I could never keep down a force-feeding too long
Eat up whatever I want whenever I want

Well you're gonna meet the wall
When you think you've heard it all
And then you got nowhere left to go
Then you're gonna know

Where not to look for freedom
When you're inside your prison
And you're the only warden
Don't have to leave the country
You cannot find your wisdom
In someone else's story
But if you find your glory
Tell me where to look for freedom

Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Tell me where to look for freedom
Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Tell me where to look for freedom
Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Tell me where to look for freedom

                  -The Belle Brigade

Its nice to have friends who remind you how to smile and laugh. REALLY smile and laugh. I started belly laughing at Jacob, and sort of startled myself at the sound of it. He and the rest of that crew are good for my soul.

Today Jacob snuck up on me in Academy. We spent the rest of the afternoon with five too-large people crammed onto one too-small flat bottom boat, with a leak, in the river. Then we father's day shopped, ate at Vittones, got zen beri, worked out, and watched/ slept through The Incredibles. I am so glad I had this Saturday afternoon off to spend with them.

Crushed ice always trumps regular ice. Yellow legal pads are good for letters. If you push D50 on a patient in an extreme diabetic emergency, its like watching someone rise from the dead. Crunching that little spot just above a front tire gives you just enough space to put the jaws to pry the metal away from the door hinge. Black before blue, or else you will be black and blue. Secret clinical strength waterproof deodorant really does last all day, even in the water. My dad only eats two green beans per time they are cooked in my house, for the sake of health. There is always coffee made by 8. The people at that little coffee shop always know what I mean when I say, "Can you make me that pretty drink?" Always rinse your boots after a wreck. People lie.

These are things I know to be true.

Today my family found out that my Dad's brother, my uncle Joe, has fourth stage lung cancer that has metastasized to many of his other vital organs, and this is the first time the doctors have found it.

THIS is why I want to be in the medical field. This is why I want to be the absolute best that I can be.

Really. He has lost 70 pounds in the span of a few months, and that didn't alert you to any other diagnosis besides depression?

Now I am sure you are a credible doctor who has done many great things (actually No, I'm not) But really. Stage freaking FOUR. FOUR FOUR FOUR. And his wife just went into remission.

I want to be able to look someone in the face and say that we did everything we could possibly do, we have run every test available, we have examined every possibility, we have exhausted our resources and our options. I want to say all those things and mean them. I want to go home at night be certain there was really nothing else we could have done. 

I may not be an oncologist, but with whatever I end up with as a career, I will not slack. I will do everything I can to catch things as early as possible.