I told myself I wasn’t going to get on the internet right after they announced the winner because I did not want to see all the complaining and sheer stupidity of people, but I did, and this is what I saw on my facebook page:

“Thanks to all the useless, free loading, pro-abortion gays. You selected the WORST choice. Your lack of education on ANY topic of the election was obviously warped. Thanks. Thanks again” 

I’m just not going to start in about this and this person. 

Do you have any brain cells at all?

Alabama Fire College Weekend!

This past weekend was simply and overwhelmingly just AMAZING. The ride down, hanging out with my brothers and best friends, class, late night Waffle house runs, spending time together, it was fantastic. I love those guys with all that I am. 

Alabama Fire College Weekend is my absolute favorite time of the year because you get hundreds of people who think and have the same willingness and passion for serving and helping others, just like you. I can walk up to anyone there and not feel the least bit strange talking to them even if I never have before. Its one big family.

I took the Basic Rope Rescue class. I am terrible at knots and learning all of the lowering and raising rigs which can get very in depth. But this class turned out to be a lot more enjoyable and fun then I thought it would be. Our instructor was amazing. He was head of the rescue team for one of the largest departments in the state for over thirty years. He was also one of the most patient and ready to help people I have ever met (which was great for me in this class because I am fairly hopeless at rope). We only had about 10 people in our class, but it was a very wide range of people from all over the state. I don't think anyone knew each other going into the start of class. Most of the first day was classroom and looking at rigs and equipment on power points and tying some basic knots. But at the end of the day we got harnessed up and went out to the tower to repel. In rope rescue, as in all aspects of being in the fire service, you work as a team the entire time. To go over the edge, everyone had to climb over about a 4 foot guard rail at the top of the tower.  We had this one lady in class who was very short statured. Her shorter legs compounded with nerves of repelling for the first time made it hard for her to get over the edge. However, everyone was right there for her with encouraging words, "We've got you, you aren't going anywhere little lady" and "You've got this. This is the only hard part, the rest is cake." Some of the larger guys helped pick her up to help her get to the other side of the rail, and we all clapped when she made it safely to the ground. The second day we did raises and lowers and everyone was more than willing to get strapped up to go over the edge. It was a fantastic class. By the end of yesterday we had all become friends and were joking and laughing with everyone. 

Its things like this that make me love what I have decided to do with my life

.

 I am finally coming to terms with one of the things I have been struggling with most recently.
I have been working out pretty hard, sometimes twice a day, or adding some type of outdoor activity along with a workout. And I am really starting to see results and they are good, I am getting a lot stronger. However, I am coming to accept that I will never be skinny. One, I just am not built for it. I am kinda shaped like a boy as in I gain muscle really easily when I work out, versus getting slender. Two, there was never a "skinny" firefighter. At least not one that excels at his or her job. Intellectually, I KNOW that I have to eat enough to fuel my body to function with all of the training and exercise I have been doing. I know that I will not be able to help lift the heavy equipment we use in rescues as an EMT or a firefighter if I am not eating enough to be able to gain the muscle to do so.  I also know that I have an incredibly disciplined and healthy diet for someone my age and I should be proud. So, this is me sucking it up and trying to be okay with getting a little bulky if it means I will be good at what I want to do

From time to time I like to list things that are making me happy, so here goes:

sugar snap peas and apple slices ( the snack of the great AEMTS)
large comfy flannels to sleep in
pumpkin flavored everything
open windows
new trucks
my dog
coffee
crushed ice
my new friend and gym bud
my brother and his cute girlfriend (iowneencur they are precious)
anti-inflammatory meds
school
poetry




Here are some pictures I had forgotten about that might brighten your day (they did mine at least)


Jacob doing a flip (obvious success)

Elyse's attempt (the ground won)

I believe that even if I gave it my best effort, I could never be a party-er. I've had this insomnia thing going on for about a week now and it is killing me. I like my nine to ten o'clock bedtimes with 2-4 hour naps if time allows.
I mean, people actually go out and are active ALL night, dancing, actually doing stuff and talking to people. Maybe I just don't like people enough for that.


Tonight, my tactic, up until right now, has been laying in bed and only thinking the word 'sleep.'
SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP
Needless to say, I am not asleep. And its almost one. AGAIN.

Remembering

I don’t cry easily. I am not scared by much. But every year on this day, especially the last few years, I bawl like a baby. Anytime I read or hear about people who willingly walk into something where they know there is a very great chance they will not come back out, has my utmost respect, gratitude, and thanks.

411 emergency personnel died this day eleven years ago. Those people left behind wives, husbands, sons and daughters, and mothers and fathers to selflessly attempt to rescue as many as they could from seemingly hopeless situations. 343 firefighters lost their lives on that day. As a firefighter, you know from the get-go that you are not guaranteed your next shift, even though no one truly likes to talk about it. Although equally as bad, this was not just one man lost, this was truckload after truckload, department after department,  of brave soldiers selflessly marching into probably the closest thing to hell anyone has ever seen.

It is on days like today when I wish I could wrap my arms around all of my brothers and sisters in the fire, ems, and police services and thank them for what they do everyday.   Today, especially those of the FDNY and NYPD who lost family members, whether they were bound by blood or by brotherhood.

I have never been more proud of the career path I have chosen than on days like today.

The number one thing I am thankful for this weekends is Mary Beth.

And Jesus, for putting her into my life.

enouragement

It's been a long time since I've blogged.

I have been kind of down in the dumps because I have put in applications for about five different EMT positions and have not heard back from any of them, not even a rejection notification.

I just want to learn. I love learning so much. Not history and that type of stuff (although it is still important...). Sometimes, I just want to fast forward about three years so that I ,hopefully, have my Paramedic and am out in the field doing what I love. But, I am also enjoying the brand new stuff that I learn everyday. Medicine and the human body are incredibly amazing. We have drugs now a days that practically raise people from death's door. I've seen it. Trauma surgeons take people, mutilated and deformed from awful accidents and can cut, clamp, and sew tissue and flesh until everything works again. Its magical. One very muscular organ pumps oxygen rich blood to the very tips of our fingers and toes and allows us to live.

People are going to depend on us someday, the EMTs, paramedics, firefighters. We are the ones that are going to be there in a moment that they have had no preparation or warning of. They are going to place their loved ones, or their own lives into our hands. I just pray that God gives me the strength to take care of these people the best I can in the few short moments when I am with them.

I want more than anything to help people. More than that, I want to be excellent at what I am learning and striving to become.

colors

I am so overwhelmingly grateful that my parents raised me to not see color. I mean, of course everyone sees color. Instead of enrolling me into the magnet school that I had been invited to go too, they kept me in regular public school all through my grade school years. I think that had a lot to do with it. Also the fact that the neighborhood we lived in was probably 1/3 black, 1/3 white, and 1/3 Hispanics. I played with kids from all different backgrounds, some were rich, some were poor, some were from other countries. It didn't matter. 


My mom has told me stories of how she dated black guys and guys that were other ethnicites when she was my age. She said that she lost some friends because of it, but that you probably could not find better people than those guys were. Honestly, I didn't not know that there was still so much stereotyping and hatred towards people of other races until I got into middle school, because all of the kids that I went to elementary school with were brought up the same way. At least in the equality aspect. I distinctly remember two different times during my freshman year of high school I had a huge crush on two guys, both of whom were not white. I also remember when I told my friends how they kind of looked down and at each other like I had done something wrong. They said that they didn't think that there was anything wrong with me or other girls liking and dating outside of their own race, but "..if I brought home a black or Hispanic boy my dad would kill me." 


Why does where someone was born determine what type of person they are? It doesn't. So what if they crossed the border to try and better their lives in a country where they don't have to constantly fear for their own. I am sure that some of those people deserve to be here a heck of a lot more than some of the ungrateful 'Americans' that were born on this soil. It burns me UP when I hear people say things like, "Yeah... there has been a big influx of blacks into that neighborhood, I wouldn't be surprised if it starts going downhill soon." Guess what color the guy who just shot all those people in the Colorado movie theater was, WHITE. 

I guess I just don't really get it. It is 2012. Can we not move past this? 




I love that I have friends right now who just don't care. I love them.

Conversation between me and one of my favorite Cadets about a boy

Travis: So, did you text him goodnight with a smiley face?

Me: Well I said goodnight, but not with a smiley face.

Travis: Elyse! What the hell! We talked about this!

Me: giggle giggle giggle

Travis: Stop laughing! This shit it serious! Do you want this to work out with him or not?!

Me: Well, yeah I really do! (giggle)

Travis: Well then you HAVE to use smiley faces! I'm serious! I'm not giving you any more advice.

I appreciate having someone who can tell me that I need to come out of my depressed hibernation state.

Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Oh the one I've always wanted to know
Where I am not afraid of revealing, oh no
I'll show whatever I want whenever I want

Well I've done an awful lot of concealing
Yeah I've spent a lot of time just sitting at home
Oh and is the only way to find a free feeling on the road
Where you go wherever you want whenever you want

When you live in the unknown it becomes your home
And when you got nowhere left to go
Then you're gonna know

Where not to look for freedom
When you're inside your prison
And you're the only warden
Tell me where to look for freedom

Well I've been looking real hard for a teacher
But they better not be looking for me
'Cause I never found one in a preacher, oh Lord
Anyone that says that they see the way I should be

When everything you know
You don't recognize at all
Well then you got nowhere left to go
Then you're gonna know

Where not to look for freedom
When you're inside your prison
And you're the only warden
Tell me where to look for freedom

Oh I been getting heavy into my reading
Oh I been listening to my favorite song
Well I could never keep down a force-feeding too long
Eat up whatever I want whenever I want

Well you're gonna meet the wall
When you think you've heard it all
And then you got nowhere left to go
Then you're gonna know

Where not to look for freedom
When you're inside your prison
And you're the only warden
Don't have to leave the country
You cannot find your wisdom
In someone else's story
But if you find your glory
Tell me where to look for freedom

Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Tell me where to look for freedom
Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Tell me where to look for freedom
Oh where am I gonna find a free feeling
Tell me where to look for freedom

                  -The Belle Brigade

Its nice to have friends who remind you how to smile and laugh. REALLY smile and laugh. I started belly laughing at Jacob, and sort of startled myself at the sound of it. He and the rest of that crew are good for my soul.

Today Jacob snuck up on me in Academy. We spent the rest of the afternoon with five too-large people crammed onto one too-small flat bottom boat, with a leak, in the river. Then we father's day shopped, ate at Vittones, got zen beri, worked out, and watched/ slept through The Incredibles. I am so glad I had this Saturday afternoon off to spend with them.

Crushed ice always trumps regular ice. Yellow legal pads are good for letters. If you push D50 on a patient in an extreme diabetic emergency, its like watching someone rise from the dead. Crunching that little spot just above a front tire gives you just enough space to put the jaws to pry the metal away from the door hinge. Black before blue, or else you will be black and blue. Secret clinical strength waterproof deodorant really does last all day, even in the water. My dad only eats two green beans per time they are cooked in my house, for the sake of health. There is always coffee made by 8. The people at that little coffee shop always know what I mean when I say, "Can you make me that pretty drink?" Always rinse your boots after a wreck. People lie.

These are things I know to be true.

Today my family found out that my Dad's brother, my uncle Joe, has fourth stage lung cancer that has metastasized to many of his other vital organs, and this is the first time the doctors have found it.

THIS is why I want to be in the medical field. This is why I want to be the absolute best that I can be.

Really. He has lost 70 pounds in the span of a few months, and that didn't alert you to any other diagnosis besides depression?

Now I am sure you are a credible doctor who has done many great things (actually No, I'm not) But really. Stage freaking FOUR. FOUR FOUR FOUR. And his wife just went into remission.

I want to be able to look someone in the face and say that we did everything we could possibly do, we have run every test available, we have examined every possibility, we have exhausted our resources and our options. I want to say all those things and mean them. I want to go home at night be certain there was really nothing else we could have done. 

I may not be an oncologist, but with whatever I end up with as a career, I will not slack. I will do everything I can to catch things as early as possible.

A change in the weather

I like to pretend that I am brave and strong an not afraid of anything. Truth is, I am afraid of a lot. I am afraid of  crossing railroad tracks and staying hotels for more than two nights. I'm afraid of sharp corners because you can not see around them. I am afraid of not being in control of my life, of the things and people I love.
I am scared I will not be good enough when the time comes. Whatever time that may be.

"As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm
It's too late to cry
Too broken to move on
...

It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my
Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore"

Today I spent the afternoon of my off day watching episode after episode of What Not to Wear and the series premier of Big Brooklyn Style. I love the TLC channel. Especially recently, I love how they have been airing many shows that are geared towards real people that may not be the perfect hour glass figure who can wear every piece of clothing they find.

What Not to Wear's Clinton and Stacy, pull real people who do not have thousands of dollars to spend on clothes and show them what looks good on THEM. Not that looks good on the celebrity super models who have designers and stylists help them out everyday. They do not try to drain all individuality and personal style of those people to make them conform to what is "in" right now. Not only are they fashion gurus, they are also psychologists. Clinton and Stacy help people who were the larger one in their groups of friends and the gangly nerdy girl and guy on the math team who couldn't break a hundred pounds. They help the stay at home mom who has a hard time feeling pretty and the very fit and active former army woman who finds it hard to dress her athletic shape. They listen to their stories and make them all feel beautiful. You can see the real change in each person by the end of each show. They find their confidence and that is beautiful in itself.

I love it.

I am tired of seeing my friends having to face such hard times. It seems to be happening a lot recently. God has a plan and a reason, I just hope they will be able to see that as well.

Many times, when people die,  others often say "He was a good man."
Mr. Chet was more than just a 'good man.' He was a sweet, kind, father who was more Christ like than almost anyone I know. I didn't know him very well, but every time I saw him or was at his house, he always hugged me and told me that he was glad that I was Cole's friend and that I could be there for him.

I am praying for the Humphries and Beltline. They have had a rough past year.

Here is a list of little things I want to do this summer: (It its time to "loosen up" as my Dad says)


Take a day trip to the beach
Do a pull-up
Walk on my hands
Have lots of camp fires
Some how sneak another dog into my life
skinny dip (yeah, its weird)
read
love myself more




Okay, maybe a lot of those things aren't normal people's idea of being less up-tight. But hey, They sound good to me.

You gave up on me, remember? You gave up on me when I was trying, when I needed someone to believe in me.

brothers

You don't have to be in the same place to be family, You don't even have to be in the same family to be family. I have always known this, I just have seen it at work recently more than others.

 Things happen. Not all of them are necessarily bad things, just things that happen in people's lives that cause them to go one direction or another. For example, there has been some of these things that have happened with some members of my department, and they have now moved to another neighboring volunteer department. I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss seeing them everyday and cooking hot dogs and late nights that usually end up with someone in trouble or slightly injured. But, we are still family. A brotherhood is not separated into individual entities, but is one, as a whole. We still call each other and pick on each other and are always there if one of us is in need.
After I found out that I passed my EMT exam today, one of my brothers who moved departments was the very first person I called, because I knew he would be excited and proud of me. We are there to support and laugh and celebrate and cry with each other, if need be.  They could all move to opposite ends of the country tomorrow, I would hate it, but if one of them needed something, there is no doubt in my mind that all of us would be on the first plane out of town.
Families fight. It happens. It doesn't mean you love someone less. But we are still brothers. We are still sisters. We are a family.

should have

I should have won
I should have budged
I should have spilled
I should have opened
I should have not
But I didn't. 

NOW

I am trying to prepare myself for the burn building I am about to go and train in.
I am nervous. Not of the fire, but of doing something wrong.

* "Black then blue, or else you'll be black and blue."
*watch for rapidly dropping black smoke
*stay with your brother

I got this. Its going to be amazing.

Also, I became and official certified lifeguard today. YAYYYY

There'll be days like this my momma said

"And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air."


There are days when it feels like it is all I can do to keep breathing and walking. When I feel like everyone is looking down on me and I will never be good enough, or strong enough, or pretty enough. When people are mean with no good reason. When I walk into the new gym and there is literally a convention of gorgeous, fit, gods and goddesses right before my eyes and I have a mental break down and go to the old gym and work out with my old people who could care less about anything. Its on these days that I get scared to death that I am not going to pass the National Registry exam that will get me my EMT licence and help me reach my dreams.


Then, there are days like today, when I spend almost every minutes with my best friends outside riding bikes on the back roads of the Wildlife Refugee where we are technically not supposed to be. When we drive with the windows down and dance like dorks at red lights just to watch the peoples' faces in neighboring cars. When Jacob says "We have to hang out. Its only going to be us four before long; me,you,Jordan, and Andrew." When we all go to the gym and work out together and holler at the top of our lungs when grinding through an ab workout. When we go out to eat then someone farts all the way home until we have to pull over and let him go stink up some poor not knowing business owner's bathroom.  


My favorite thing in the world is when Jacob looks at me and says, "I'm glad we are friends"


I am kind of convinced that they are some of the most wonderful people on the planet. I could not ask for more. We have also decided that when we grow up, ( I say that like it is so far away) we are going to build our houses in a circle and all live together. I wish.
I love them more than life.

“Not doing ‘bad things’ does not make you better than everyone else or a Christian, you are just a person who doesn’t do ‘bad things.’ Just because you don’t do bad doesn’t mean you are automatically doing good.”

-a quote from college service

or something almost along those lines

"...Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we are wired that way. Because with out it, I don't know, maybe we just wouldn't feel real. Whats that saying,'why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?' Because it feels so good when I stop."

Meredith Grey

"...and I will TOTALLY send him an email telling him to back the f*** off. Haha, then beat his ass if he won't stop. lol"

I have good friends

I haven't seen you in ages
Sometimes I find myself
Wondering where you are
For me you'll always be 18
And beautiful and dancin' away with my heart

This is why we are such good friends. There are simply not enough words.

After a while

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

        -Veronica A. Shoffstall

Dumb people

I saw the following post somewhere and it made me really angry:


"The worst thing about me
is that I am a musical ageist. I associate certain songs with events in my life, and when I see “kids” talking about “this song is so important to me, it’s my fave, blah blah blah”, I get quite snotty.
I’m often like “really?, I was listening to this song when you were like ten and I was.. (on my first trip to Iraq, ending my visit to Judy in DC because we had to go down for Katrina, getting shot, at McNabb’s funeral, or any number of significant events)”. Don’t tell me it has some special meaning to you, cause you were'nt even potty trained when it first came out."


I am proud of this person for serving our country, I truly am. As well as I am sure he went through some rough times and situations while being in the service. But I think his reasoning behind this was skewed.


This would sort of be like saying to someone  ten years from now, " You can not possibly feel sadness or loss for those firefighters, co-workers, friends, and family who lost loved ones when the twin towers were attacked by terrorists. How dare you feel proud of those people who went in to try and save others when they knew good and well that they themselves were probably not going to come back out. You weren't even born yet"


Or "Were you there when Jesus healed the sick and gave people a reason to live and have faith? No, I don't think so."


People are dumb.
Just because something happened a long time ago or is old does not mean it loses its meaning for someone else.

This is my favorite right now. Watch it
We sing it in college service and it is amazing.


"I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

It's washed away! All my sin! And all my shame!

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Tuesday shmoosday

Today, Jacob and I biked more than I think I ever have in my entire life. EVER. We went through at least three neighborhoods, through trails and mud holes that devoured our bikes, up and down the huge hills on Chapel Hill out to Lake Chula Vista, swam, and then repeated everything on the way back home, where his mom bought me a veggie burger. I love her. My legs are jelly, but it feels amazing. I can not wait for summer when we can do this all of the time. 

I have never swung off of a rope into a lake before and it was a BLAST. I don’t think I have ever been more appreciative of a body of water.

Favorite quote of the day:

Jacob: (while we are swimming and he is examining his chest) Whats the difference between guy boobs and girl boobs? I mean the nipple on girls is considered the “private part” right?

Me: Umm… well girls just have more of them. And Yeah I guess… I mean some girls show everything but that nowadays.

Jacob: Yeah. Cause I’ve been seeing some major cleavage. Its like, Mitosis is happening on her chest! Nomsayin’?

giggle giggle giggle almost drown giggle giggle

I do not understand how people can be so mean, judgmental, and hypocritical.

Thank You

Once again, thank you Jacob Johnson for coming to my porch in the middle of the night and not making me feel like a crazy person. He is the best. I hope everyone has their own Jacob.

"She's my person... If I murdered someone, she is the person I would call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She is my PERSON." -Grey's Anatomy

Hoy

Today I felt very productive. I woke up early, made a smoothie, and then did a quick ab workout. After that I went to Austin to give blood. When they were doing the interview to ask you how much you weigh and your height and all those awkward questions, my guy (who was awesome) noticed that I was O-. Which, if you don’t know, if the universal donor blood type. He told me to wait a second while he went to check on something. When he returned, he said that I could probably do the ALEX machine if I wanted.

The ALEX machine is kind of the opposite of giving platelettes. They stick you just like normal when you are giving blood, but they hook you up to a machine that filters and separates your blood into your platelettes (wbc’s) and plasma (rbc’s). Then it further separates your plasma into two different bags; the new and perfectly functioning rbc’s and the older slightly worn or deformed ones. Then the wbc’s and older rbc’s are returned back to your body. It is really cool. But, what is even cooler is since the blood has already been cleaned and filtered and because I am O-, that blood will go into someone TONIGHT. My guy said that most often, the blood that comes out of the ALEX machine goes to help pre-maturely born babies and that my bag of blood could save up to five babies lives. FIVE. So, of course I was hooked after that. You had to be a certain weight, and I was slightly under, but Craig, my new best friend, added a couple pounds on my paper. Needless to say, I felt amazing after donating, and I hope it helps many many babies.

I passed my physical requirements for lifeguarding this afternoon as well. I am so excited and I hope I get the job.

ALSO, I went to the new branch of my gym that opened for the first time tonight. I have still been going to the old one since the new one opened at the beginning of this year. Everyone keeps telling me how new and sparkly and high tech the new one is, and I have been resistant to change and have continued to go to the old one. Which, in my eyes, is still perfectly good, and perfectly EMPTY most of the time. But, I gave in and went and checked it out tonight.

It has been a good day. I am happy.

I would just really like my friends to come home so we can cuddle on the couch and watch girl movies and eat junk food like no there's tomorrow. I feel very alone.

Sometimes I do not understand why people do the things they do.

“I kept as still as I could. Nothing happened. I did not expect anything to happen. I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is the sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep.”

— My Antonia by Willa Cather

there is no telling how many times I have read this book, honestly

All Time

Tonight I was that weird single girl that spent fifteen dollars and took herself on a date to a movie. Yes, I may have reached an all time low, or high but…

The movie was awesome and hysterical, I could sit cross-legged in the seat, and I could be lazy and eat my un-buttered popcorn out of the bag with my tongue.

No shame. No judgement. No worries.

girl

I saw a girl from my window yesterday.

She was walking down the road with a big t-shirt and messy pony tail.
Her chin was lifted just slightly to where the sun revealed every hiding place on her round face. She was not unusually pretty or exotic, her skin was not blemish free. But in that moment, despite last night’s fight with her parents, or the disapproving way her grandfather looks at her when she visits, or the way her stomach will never be quite as flat as her liking,
in that moment,
it is just her and the sun.

There will always be those things that I cannot mentally handle to think or talk about.

Sometimes you have to be a robot.

I wish that my friends would never hurt. I hate seeing it. Sometimes I wish I could just take it all for them, which is dumb and crazy, but I really do. I wish that I could tell them that boys are dumb, and it just really is not worth it.

I don’t understand why some people can just blatantly hurt other people.

I don't really know how I feel about myself

"pain throws your heart to the ground

love turns the whole thing around

no, it won't all go the way it should

but I know the heart of life is good

you know it's nothing new

bad news never had good timing

but then the circle of your friends

will defend the silver lining"

"on a life boat sailin' home

with our drunken hearts and our tired bones

well, I just take one last look around

yeah, and every place feels like a familiar town"

"you are my own sinking ship"

i love songs

lullaby

You can rest easy tonight

Everything is gonna be alright, i promise

Go to sleep and dream of me tonight

Everything may not be perfect, but at least we tried

So tonight

Sweet dreams and sleep tight

I've been trying so hard, can't get you out of my mind

And if this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me

And i'll leave you with this lullaby tonight

I know that this hurts you, it hurts me too

I wish there was something i could do to make it easier for you

Sometimes it's tough, too soon to call it love but i wanted to

Yeah i wanted to, but it's too late now to say all the wonderful things that i thought of you

-Chase coy

Today, as I was leaving my 12 hour clinical rotation, a E.R. nurse, a GOOD E.R. nurse said, "Even at the most hectic time today you did not get weak. You are going to make it."

I cried a little when I got to the car. Partially from 4 a.m. exhaustion, and partially from happiness.

i've got it up the tree again

"I believe I can be honest in all other matters, but I already begin to realize that the core and center of my nature is the love of the beautiful, a passion for the beautiful, and that it would not be safe to trust me with a moon that belonged to another person and that person didn't know I had it."

-mark twain

happy things

coffee

good parking spots

bananas

Adam and Eve's Diaries by Mark Twain

class

my boys

my friends

old friends

new friends

when people tell me I look pretty when I look like a frizz ball

running shorts

oversized t-shirts

new music

taking pictures of people

smoothies

college service

books

the sun

sometimes you have to write out all of the things that make you happy to remind you that your life is good, and that when you take time to think about it, the good actually does out-weigh the bad. we just always put more emphasis on the bad.

epiphany

I needed tonight more than I think I ever needed something in my entire life. I am so grateful for the college ministry that I have come to consider myself a part of.

At the college service, Brandon spoke on purity. He also spoke on this same subject last week, but in a different sense. Yes, tonight was about abstaining from sex before marriage and how, even if you have made mistakes in the past how God can make all things new, including you. And that is awesome. But before he spoke, they played an amazing video. It started off with a girl and a guy sitting in chairs facing each other. You could tell they were more than friends by the way they looked at one another and touched each others arms and faces. Then the boy took a big piece of duct tape and put it over the girls mouth and wrote LOVE on it. A minute later he shook off the girl's unwanted caresses and ripped the tape off of her mouth. Then, different guys started to sit in the chair across from the same girl. Every time a new boy would come, she would hand them the original piece of tape and they would put it over her mouth and then eventually rip it off until it would not stick anymore.

The piece of tape represented purity and how once you continually give yourself away, not only sexually, but emotionally, you start to wear down and become less "sticky." I loved this video, and I think all girls and guys our age should watch it.

Tonight changed the way I have been thinking about things in my life that have recently taken place. I have been in a bad place this last week. If I was truly honest with myself, I have been in a bad place for a long time. It was said tonight how so often now a days we date before we know somebody. When you say it out loud it sounds kind of crazy, but that's what we do, we decide to enter into relationships with people before we KNOW them. One of the things that hit me tonight was when he said, "What if we took a year to get to know someone. Be their friend, know their hearts and their intentions, find out where they stand with God and where they are going. What if we did that before we even thought about going any further than friendship?" Sometimes God puts people in our lives to help us learn things, not to necessarily be with them forever or in that intimate type of relationship.

I love to help people. I am going to school to get my degree in helping people. I don't want to do anything else. But, I think that has been to my disadvantage when it has come to my past relationships. The major thing I finally realized tonight was, you don't have to date someone to love them. You don't have to date someone to help them or pray for them or want whats best for them. You don't have to date someone to help them with their personal God walks. You don't have to date someone to be their for them.

That is where my view has been wrong.

So,

right now,

I am going to try dating God for a bit.

Let myself work off of His time instead of trying to make my time His time.

I want to fall in love with God.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2Corinthians 6:14

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. Song of Solomon 3:5

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 1Corinthians 7:32

In almost every romantic movie there are those scenes where, for some reason, a couple has separated due to personal problems. Then with 20 minutes left in the film the girl shows up on a boys door step in the rain and tells him she knows they both have things they need to work on and change about themselves, but she cannot imagine herself with anyone else and she knows they can work on all those things together and if they truly care that much about eachother then nothing else matters.. And then he looks her in the eyes and smiles and pulls her in to a long hug and kiss and everything is all hunky-dory.

That is not real life. I guess its time I learned that one.

sparrow

If you must fly,
Then take me with you, sparrow.
Take me to the clouds
Where it smells like rain.
Take me to sing sweet songs in the tall trees.
Take me to bask on daffodils.
I will bring you daisies to wear in your feathers.
Let me be by your side,
I promise I won’t follow too close.

I "moked" her!

These children were lovely and beautiful and EASY