Hoy

Today I felt very productive. I woke up early, made a smoothie, and then did a quick ab workout. After that I went to Austin to give blood. When they were doing the interview to ask you how much you weigh and your height and all those awkward questions, my guy (who was awesome) noticed that I was O-. Which, if you don’t know, if the universal donor blood type. He told me to wait a second while he went to check on something. When he returned, he said that I could probably do the ALEX machine if I wanted.

The ALEX machine is kind of the opposite of giving platelettes. They stick you just like normal when you are giving blood, but they hook you up to a machine that filters and separates your blood into your platelettes (wbc’s) and plasma (rbc’s). Then it further separates your plasma into two different bags; the new and perfectly functioning rbc’s and the older slightly worn or deformed ones. Then the wbc’s and older rbc’s are returned back to your body. It is really cool. But, what is even cooler is since the blood has already been cleaned and filtered and because I am O-, that blood will go into someone TONIGHT. My guy said that most often, the blood that comes out of the ALEX machine goes to help pre-maturely born babies and that my bag of blood could save up to five babies lives. FIVE. So, of course I was hooked after that. You had to be a certain weight, and I was slightly under, but Craig, my new best friend, added a couple pounds on my paper. Needless to say, I felt amazing after donating, and I hope it helps many many babies.

I passed my physical requirements for lifeguarding this afternoon as well. I am so excited and I hope I get the job.

ALSO, I went to the new branch of my gym that opened for the first time tonight. I have still been going to the old one since the new one opened at the beginning of this year. Everyone keeps telling me how new and sparkly and high tech the new one is, and I have been resistant to change and have continued to go to the old one. Which, in my eyes, is still perfectly good, and perfectly EMPTY most of the time. But, I gave in and went and checked it out tonight.

It has been a good day. I am happy.

I would just really like my friends to come home so we can cuddle on the couch and watch girl movies and eat junk food like no there's tomorrow. I feel very alone.

Sometimes I do not understand why people do the things they do.

“I kept as still as I could. Nothing happened. I did not expect anything to happen. I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is the sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep.”

— My Antonia by Willa Cather

there is no telling how many times I have read this book, honestly

All Time

Tonight I was that weird single girl that spent fifteen dollars and took herself on a date to a movie. Yes, I may have reached an all time low, or high but…

The movie was awesome and hysterical, I could sit cross-legged in the seat, and I could be lazy and eat my un-buttered popcorn out of the bag with my tongue.

No shame. No judgement. No worries.

girl

I saw a girl from my window yesterday.

She was walking down the road with a big t-shirt and messy pony tail.
Her chin was lifted just slightly to where the sun revealed every hiding place on her round face. She was not unusually pretty or exotic, her skin was not blemish free. But in that moment, despite last night’s fight with her parents, or the disapproving way her grandfather looks at her when she visits, or the way her stomach will never be quite as flat as her liking,
in that moment,
it is just her and the sun.

There will always be those things that I cannot mentally handle to think or talk about.

Sometimes you have to be a robot.

I wish that my friends would never hurt. I hate seeing it. Sometimes I wish I could just take it all for them, which is dumb and crazy, but I really do. I wish that I could tell them that boys are dumb, and it just really is not worth it.

I don’t understand why some people can just blatantly hurt other people.

I don't really know how I feel about myself

"pain throws your heart to the ground

love turns the whole thing around

no, it won't all go the way it should

but I know the heart of life is good

you know it's nothing new

bad news never had good timing

but then the circle of your friends

will defend the silver lining"

"on a life boat sailin' home

with our drunken hearts and our tired bones

well, I just take one last look around

yeah, and every place feels like a familiar town"

"you are my own sinking ship"

i love songs

lullaby

You can rest easy tonight

Everything is gonna be alright, i promise

Go to sleep and dream of me tonight

Everything may not be perfect, but at least we tried

So tonight

Sweet dreams and sleep tight

I've been trying so hard, can't get you out of my mind

And if this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me

And i'll leave you with this lullaby tonight

I know that this hurts you, it hurts me too

I wish there was something i could do to make it easier for you

Sometimes it's tough, too soon to call it love but i wanted to

Yeah i wanted to, but it's too late now to say all the wonderful things that i thought of you

-Chase coy

Today, as I was leaving my 12 hour clinical rotation, a E.R. nurse, a GOOD E.R. nurse said, "Even at the most hectic time today you did not get weak. You are going to make it."

I cried a little when I got to the car. Partially from 4 a.m. exhaustion, and partially from happiness.