Trying

This is about to be one of those awfully cliche teenage girl posts. So prepare yourself and don't feel obligated to read if you don't want to.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt? Or something so bad and knowing you can't do anything to change the status of your situation to obtain said thing?

Sometimes I just lay on my bed and hug myself tight because I feel that if I don't I might come apart at my seams. I can't do anything nowadays. I can't talk, I make people mad, I do the wrong things... just EVERYTHING.

I just want one thing. And I know that I probably should not want it, but I do. And I think I always will, even if nothing changes from where I am now. I really don't want anything else. My control issue makes this the center of my thoughts. Its like my mind is a tunnel and that bright light at the end is the only thing I want, but I can never ever get there.

This is making me bitter. Something I have never before been in my life. Its getting away from me. I can see myself lashing out sometimes at the people I love the most, and I feel terrible for it. I want to stop.

I want to make things better and right, but my mouth always seems to get in the way. I can never say what I truly feel.

I trained myself for so long to shut down whenever I started feeling anything. My mind automatically drifts to something meaningless or irrelevant at the slightest show of emotion, especially around others. I hate being comforted by most people and I hate people patting me on the back and telling me things are going to be okay, when at the time they seem like they never will be again.

I am trying to trust God. I really am. I can't even trust myself right now. I went to a college service last night and I loved it. I have never really been spoken to like that before. Maybe its because it was coming from someone my age, who talks like me, and is experiencing somewhat of the same things. I am not an awsome Christian. I know that. I try, but I know that I am not, and I know that I am not the best I can be right now. I want to do better. I want to read the Bible. I have always been afraid to, but last night gave me hope that if I can read it regularly, maybe my life will start to get back on track, and maybe just help me reach my goal. I think I will need help though, but I am working on that too.

things I find

Stumbleupon is a magical thing.

What Does Love Mean to a Four-Year-Old

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 6

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)

Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

Variation On the Word Sleep
Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

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This is my last summer before my life really begins. I am deciding now that I refuse to let others dictate my happiness. Of course other people make me happy, but I am not going to let people bring and keep me down. I am doing this summer for ME. I'm not going to blame others for my unhappiness because I know that ability all depends on me. I am going to laugh. I am going to learn to have fun again. I am going to camp. I am going to talk to people. I am going to yell. I am going to learn to say no to things that I don't want to do because I don't want to. Why should I do something that I don't like just because somebody else or everybody else is doing it. I am going to read, A LOT. I am going to work on not worrying so much. I am going to cook. I going to travel...hopefully. I'm going to love. Most importantly, I am going to learn to walk on my hands. :)

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Romantic is such ill-represented and conceived word.

When I think romantic, I see hand holding and arm around your shoulders and someone tickling me until I can't breathe and big bear hugs and a kiss on the forehead and dancing like five year olds.

But that's just me.

I suppose the majority of the high school and college age population probably has a different view.

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You know what I love, children.

Especially the Bender children.

I miss babysitting for them like I did last summer. Well, maybe I don't miss being in charge of usually 5 of the total 7 children for 8 or so hours of the day, or Collin climbing the wall of the living room to see what surprise snack I am making them in the kitchen, or both Collin and Olivia almost giving each other concussions from beating each other with the metal end of the water hose, or Olivia not sharing one of her hundred Polly Pockets with sweet Abby. But you get the point. I would dare anyone to spend a day with them and see if they don't want to take them home with them at the end of that day.

I was working out yesterday and Amanda Bender came up and was talking to me. She said the kids were in the baby room and that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to go see them because they were tired and cranky.So I just waited until they were leaving to say hi.

I walked up to Olivia, who looked at me with her little eyes that always seem in a perpetual state of analysis. I guess it took her a second to recognize me with my nasty hair, cut-off work out shirt, and sweaty-ness, but after she did she was swinging from my waist like a trapeze artist. Then Abby, the absolute most adorable gorgeous child on the planet, came up to me and just started chatting away like I had been there the whole time. I love her.

Olivia said, "Why don't you ever babysit for us anymore? Mom, please hire her!"

Hi

Hi

My name is Elyse.

I am a girl.

I am a vegetarian.

I love books and poems and quotes.

I love anything romantic.

I love weddings.

I like to plan.

I like my friends.

I LOVE my friends.

I am kind of a control freak.

I like things my way, but am always open to new things.

I am good at listening.

I am awful at talking about myself.

I like to work out and exercise

I love the outdoors.

I love animals.

I love people in general.

I like to think that everyone is generally good.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt because I believe you should.

I don’t like being alone, but…

I do like quiet.

I like stars.

I like it when people show that they care about me without prompt.

I like waking up early because I like the smell of morning.

I love fields.

I wear one pieces.

I hate judgment.

I don’t like accusations.

I don’t give up on people.

I believe in true love.

I believe in second, third, fourth, and a billion chances.

I don’t know where I am going in life.

I want to help people.

I get bored easily.

I love excitement.

I am faithful.

I like hearing peoples’ stories.

I like to feel loved.

I need hugs to get through the day.

I need someone to be nice to me sometimes , because I'm not always nice to myself.

I need encouragement.

I love positive people.

I feel EVERYTHING.

I am emotional, even though I hide it well.

I hurt a lot.

I don’t know how to be on my own.

I am scared of the future.

I want to be able to be myself.

I am working on loving me.

I will never ever stop feeling; if you do then why live?

This is me.

I want to be loved for me.

typical

Typical us between the hours of 12:00-2:00 a.m. We have no lives. But I like having no lives together.

greys

"Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get. To the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we once were. Until eventually it hits us. Its been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes, but in the know. In the comfortable, the familiar."

-Meredith Grey

Excitement.

Last night, I printed out my presentation/ research in a packet that at least 12 pages a piece and gave them to my parents... I didn't really get to give my big speech presentation because they were both asleep at 10:15. So, I just laid it right in front of them, so that they could read it when they woke up.

I was sitting at the table this morning when my walked in and said, "So. Firefighter Elyse huh?"

I cannot explain how excited I am.

I went up to Calhoun this afternoon to see if I could talk to anyone, since no one ever calls me back from that school to make an appointment. I walked into the EMS (emergency medical services) building, which is super nice, and the admissions lady directed me to Mark Branon's office. He is Director of the Allied Health Department, EMS Program Director, a Paramedic, teacher, and probably my new hero .

He was so nice and very helpful. From the time i walked into his office and started talking to him i was so excited. You know that jumpy feeling you get in your tummy when you are happy about something, well thats what i was feeling the whole time and as I was driving home. He said he wouldn't even mind if I came and sat in on a class sometime over the summer!

I just can't even put into words how ecstatic I am right now. NOW, all I have to is wait for someone to drop out of the program at the beginning of August so that I can enroll in the basic EMT classes right away and not have to wait a semester! But even if I do have to wait, I have to do my general education classes sometime anyways!

enlightenment

I have found what I want to do.

It has always been in the back of my mind as something that I thought I would really enjoy, but I thought my friends and parents would think down on me for it.

But I don't care what anyone thinks anymore because I have never before been this excited about something in my life .

Its going to take a lot of work, A LOT. But It will be so very worth it.

I'm almost done with my presentation that I am going to give to my parents to show them that I am serious and that I WANT this.

p.s.- I want to travel really REALLY bad. Someone take me to Europe

mi mente

I have such a longing to travel.

I want to go to Italy SO BAD.

Its like I have an intense love for anything foreign. I've been thinking a lot about Spanish lately, and how I want to keep it up. I don't really want to minor in it or anything because that would require taking a speech class, which in English would terrify me, let alone in another language. But I do want to keep and retain all that I have already learned. So, I'm going to pull out all my flashcards and go over them at least a few times a week. I want to go to Spain or Mexico, or some Spanish speaking country and immerse myself in it.

I want to learn.

I love summer, but most of the times, especially this one for some reason, I feel that my brain seeps out of my ears during the break from school. Maybe its all the Grey's anatomy I have been watching. Although I have been reading alot, and apparently blogging alot in the wee hours of the morning, I need something to learn about.

I'm researching something.

Its a project that I am really excited about, which is good because I haven't been truly excited for something like this in a long time. People are going to make fun of me, I'm sure after they find out, but I really don't care. This project is requiring research, which I LOVE. And, I have to present it to my parents... the hard part.

I might be going to the beach next weekend. Much, MUCH needed.

shore... different than sure

'maggy and milly and molly and may' maggy and milly and molly and may went down to the beach(to play one day) and maggie discovered a shell that sang so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and milly befriended a stranded star whose rays five languid fingers were; and molly was chased by a horrible thing which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and may came home with a smooth round stone as small as a world and as large as alone. For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) its always ourselves we find in the sea E. E. Cummings You Are Tired (I Think) by e.e. cummings You are tired, (I think) Of the always puzzle of living and doing; And so am I. Come with me, then, And we’ll leave it far and far away— (Only you and I, understand!) You have played, (I think) And broke the toys you were fondest of, And are a little tired now; Tired of things that break, and— Just tired. So am I. But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight, And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart— Open to me! For I will show you places Nobody knows, And, if you like, The perfect places of Sleep. Ah, come with me! I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon, That floats forever and a day; I’ll sing you the jacinth song Of the probable stars; I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream, Until I find the Only Flower, Which shall keep (I think) your little heart While the moon comes out of the sea. - e.e. cummings

I love e.e. cummings. I always have. I love his parentheses. I also love this:

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

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I just got home from an awsome evening of probably the most fun I have had in a long time.

Jacob got home from the Dominican a couple days ago. Thank goodness! I truly, truly adore him to death. He is amazing. So I hung out with him while he told me about his amazing trip and showed me beautiful pictures. Then after, he invited me and Becca to go to this new college bible study study that they were just starting.

I loved the message. It paralleled what we are talking about in church almost exactly. One thing I wish I was better at are: 1. Not getting so embarrassed when I talk. 2. Not letting fear of how something that I say might sound, as long as it is glorifying God. and 3. Being able to pray out loud. I had a little practice on the third during my life group last semester, but I still am not comfortable doing it in a group that I don't know. It was really good, and the leader was amazing and I love his story.

Then us three went on a walk.

We talk about the most random, DISGUSTING things. But that is why I love them. We can all be totally ourselves around eachother. We are so close, it's like we are related.

After our walk we went to Redbox and rented 'Megamind.' Which, for those who don't know is about a blue guy with a ginormous forehead. By the time we finally got to Becca's to watch it it was nearly twelve.

We decided we all needed massages, so we made a chain and did it like in middle school. Then we laid on her bed and semi-watched it while Jacob made obnoxious bodily functions and references to bodily functions. I love them

HOPEFULLY we will all be going on a short trip together in the next couple weeks. HOPEFULLY. Even if it was just us three that would be good.

They are my faves.

chocolate covered expresso beans

i think I have insomnia.

I have been awake until three in the morning for about a week straight. Which is problematic because I have to be at work by ten most mornings. I doubt tonight will be any different, one because its nearly one o'click already, and two, because I forgot it was already midnight and ate a hand full of chocolate covered expresso beans. Who would have thought that a few expresso beans would keep you awake all night? They are better, and probably more effective than any five hour energy shot.

Yes this has a bad word in it, which I am not a fan of. But I want this.

I don't know much about her but I'm kind of infatuated with this girl. Or maybe it's the idea of her that I've created. I found myself thinking about her tonight on a walk under some makeshift constellations struggling through the light pollution of Boston, fleeting thoughts coming and going like New England snowfalls. It's not a lusty, I-want-to-fuck-her kind of deal. I want to hold her close and sing her soft rainstorm melodies and move her in a way that makes her feel unspeakably alive because there's nothing that has touched her to the core like that in a long time. I want to bear my soul to her in the way that symphonies are written, so that at its completion, my story will have completely enveloped her like B minor at the predawn of a snow-covered day, and she'll realize that there is nothing more painfully right than the overlap of the lines on our palms and all the countless intersections of her eyes (beautiful, sun-drenched) and mine. transcendence on Feb 22, 2010 @ 06:21

.

Maybe I should just use '.' as titles to all of my posts. One, so I don't have to think of a witty one, and two, to evoke some type of mysteriousness that invites you to read it. Although I'm pretty positive I might have two people that even bother to do that now.

I don't really know how my summer is going to go. I've decided I'm just going to go with it, roll with the punches, take it one step at a time, an all other phrases that signify that I really have no control over everything.

I am sick of my friends leaving. I miss them ALOT.

Motivation

this is something I have had absolutely ZERO of for the past couple weeks. I'm almost never hungry, I never do anything truely productive, and I have even been too lazy to sit down and write, even though I know it will make me feel better. I'm kind of down in the dumps.

You know what hurts more than being lied to? Telling someone something over and over again, and pouring yourself out to them, and they don't believe you. What do you do in that sitation?

Also, I really REALLY want to take some type of partner fancy dancing class. I need a hobby.

Me and Becca made peach cobbler tonight. I'm so glad for my new friend.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt? There is nothing I can do about it... probably the reason for my no motivation mode.

I want to read.

Kid Cudi knows my life.

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HERE is where I post something happy.

All Jacob, Ketan, Becca, and I have done for the past week is hang out, play dorky board games, and swim. ALOT.

A couple nights ago 3 of us (minus the Indian) were sitting on beccas floor playing

uno, nines, and scrabble, at midnight. (Is JETI a word?) After midnight EVERYTHING is histerical. After playing scrabble, we were sitting in momentary silence when Becca says, "Have you ever been to factsonfarts.com?!" So... guess what we did for the next half an hour. Yes. Its real. Jacob farted all night.

Tonight, me and Becca played Guess Who and Hang-Man for uite a while. Then we made homemade peach cobbler, then we went to swim at Ketans. Ilove that kid. Both Becca and I are marrying him so that he will tech us his other 4 languages he is fluent in, especially Hindi.

That is an extrememly scattered post. Good Luck.

No plan = My life

My friends will not be here 2 months from now.