Aaaggghhhh!

I feel like there are 3 year olds running around inside of me. That's the only way I can describe how excited I am right NOW.

I know this lady who works out around the same times I do at Benders. Her name is Whitney and she is an EMT and is currently working to get her RN. I have talked to her a lot recently about what I want to do in the future. Her husband is a Paramedic firefighter out at a station in Madison, and on his off days he is chief of the Mud Tavern Volunteer Fire Station. I guess she talked to him about me and he introduced himself to me last week while I was at the gym. His name is Richard, and he was telling me all about the volunteers and how relaxed it is, and how you only have to do what you feel comfortable doing, whether that is cleaning the station and equipment to actually training and being on duty and responding to calls. He said that there are volunteer meetings every Thursday nights and that they would be more than happy to receive any help they could get!

I just got back from my first meeting. I was really nervous when I pulled into the parking lot. But once I got out of the car and met some of the guys, I could tell I had nothing to worry about. They are some of the biggest country bumpkins I have ever met in my life, but also some of the nicest and goofiest. I could tell they were good people. I met another guy, John, who was just about to get sworn in by the board, and he said you couldn't ask for a better group.

The former Batallion Chief of the Decatur Department was the one teaching tonight. He was great. You can tell he loved it. You could tell they ALL loved it. He lit up every time he told us a story. I know that it is going to be hard. It's going to be a lot to learn, especially for someone like me coming straight out of high school off the street with no prior experience at all, but I am looking forward to learning everything I can.After it was over, all the guys took me out to the huge garage deck and opened up all the trucks and showed me everything. They were all just SO nice and welcoming.

I cannot freaking contain myself.

In this moment

I am happy.

He Won't Go

He Won't Go

by Adele

Some say I'll be better without you
But they don't know you like I do
Or at least the sides I thought I knew

I can't bear this time
It drags on as I lose my mind
Reminded by things I find
Like notes and clothes you left behind

Wake me up, wake me up when all is done
I won't rise until this battle's won
My dignity's become undone

But I won't go
I can't do it on my own
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

I won't go
I can't do it all alone
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

So petrified, I'm so scared to step into this ride
What if I lose my heart and fail declined?
I won't forgive me if i give up trying

I heard his voice today
I didn't know a single word he said
Not one resemblance to the man I met
Just a vacant broken boy instead

But I won't go
I can't do it on my own
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

I won't go
I can't do it all alone
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

There will be times
We'll try and give it up
Bursting at the seams, no doubt
We'll almost fall apart then burn the pieces
To watch them turn to dust
But nothing will ever taint us

I won't go
I can't do it on my own
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

I won't go
I can't do it all alone
If this ain't love, then what is?
I am willing to take the risk

Will he... will he still remember me?
Will he still love me even when he's free?
Or will he go back to the place where he would choose the poison over me?

When we spoke yesterday,
You said to hold my breath... to sit and wait
"I'll be home so soon, I won't be late"

He won't go
He can't do it on his own
If this ain't love, then what is?
He's willing to take the risk

So I won't go
He can't do it on his own
If this ain't love, then what is?
We're willing to take the risk

Cause he won't go
He can't do it on his own
If this ain't love, then what is?
We're willing to take the risk

I won't go
I can't do it on my own
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

Breaking

if there is any hope at all I will stay.

I hurt.

--------------

My friends are all leaving. Jacob will be here, and I am so very thankful for that, but Becca leaves tomorrow. I don't know what I am going to do without her. Cole leaves the beginning of August and so will Ketan and Joey and Josh and all the people that I want and need to surround myself with right now. I know that its horrible of me, and that it is bound to happen anyways, but I don't want new friends. Well, I wouldn't mind meeting new people, but I want my old friends to stay. They KNOW me. The thing that scares me the most now a days is that people will forget each other. I don't want that. When everyone comes home I want things will be exactly the same as they are now when we all are together.

It is going to be a rough few months

Right now life sucks. All I want to do is sit and cry, but then I get a text or a facebook message from people I barely know, but who still care about me, and it not only makes me feel a tiny bit better, but somewhat restores my faith in people. I like people.

Also I like Mary Beth for not allowing me to sit and mope all day.

This is hard. Everything is hard

For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti

Sufjan Stevens

I have called you children, I have called you son
What is their to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in paradise, morning comes in light
Still I must obey, still I must invite

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you

I was dressed embarrassment I was dressed in whine
If you had a part of me, will you take your time?
Even if I come back, even if I die
Is there some idea to replace my life?

Like a father to impress, like a mother's morning dress
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher, I have called you son
If you have a father or if you haven't none

I'll do anything for you, I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you, I'll do anything for you
I did everything for you, I did everything for you
I did everything for you, I did everything for you
I did everything for you, I did everything for you

Psalms 38:4-22

⁴ My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
⁵ My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
⁶ I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
⁷ A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
⁸ I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.

⁹ You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
¹⁰ My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind.
¹¹ My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease.
Even my own family stands at a distance.
¹² Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me.
Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me.
All day long they plan their treachery.

¹³ But I am deaf to all their threats.
I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.
¹⁴ I choose to hear nothing,
and I make no reply.
¹⁵ For I am waiting for you, O Lord.
You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
¹⁶ I prayed, “Don’t let my enemies gloat over me
or rejoice at my downfall.”

¹⁷ I am on the verge of collapse,
facing constant pain.
¹⁸ But I confess my sins;
I am deeply sorry for what I have done.
¹⁹ I have many aggressive enemies;
they hate me without reason.
²⁰ They repay me evil for good
and oppose me for pursuing good.
²¹ Do not abandon me, O Lord.
Do not stand at a distance, my God.
²² Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my savior.