Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Farewell! If Ever Fondest Prayer

Farewell! if ever fondest prayer
For other's weal availed on high,
Mine will not all be lost in air,
But waft thy name beyond the sky.
'Twere vain to speak, to weep, to sigh:
Oh! more than tears of blood can tell,
When wrung from guilt's expiring eye,
Are in that word - Farewell! - Farewell!

These lips are mute, these eyes are dry;
But in my breast and in my brain,
Awake the pangs that pass not by,
The thought that ne'er shall sleep again.
My soul nor deigns nor dares complain,
Though grief and passion there rebel;
I only know we loved in vain -
I only feel - Farewell! - Farewell!

Lord Byron


by: George Gordon (Lord) Byron (1788-1824)

      O, we'll go no more a-roving
      So late into the night,
      Though the heart be still as loving,
      And the moon be still as bright.
      For the sword outwears its sheath,
      And the soul wears out the breast,
      And the heart must pause to breathe,
      And love itself have a rest.
      Though the night was made for loving,
      And the day returns too soon,
      Yet we'll go no more a-roving
      By the light of the moon.

      How to Be Alone

      by: Tanya Davis

      If you are at first lonely, be patient.

      If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

      We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

      There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

      Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

      And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

      Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

      The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

      Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

      When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

      Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

      And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

      Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

      Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

      But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

      You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

      But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

      Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

      It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

      Take silence and respect it.

      If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

      You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

      If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

      There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


Death is not a hard concept for me. I know things happen and people die, whether of natural causes or other, so goes life. In the future, I will probably be faced with death many times because of my chosen occupation.
There has been people die in my family and close circle of friends. However, this is different. I don't know how I should handle this.
How do you live in a world where one of the most beautiful, strong women, mother, friend, and person that you have ever known, no longer exists?

My Obachan was a rock. No, she was a BEAST. She grew up in Japan where she later worked for the government. She married my dad's dad who was full Cherokee Indian and lived in america where they started a family. My grandfather, who I never met, died when my dad, the youngest in his family, was still very young. She raised five kids on her own in a foreign country. SHE RAISED FIVE KIDS ALONE IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. Four of those five were boys.

I remember one summer when we we in Florida visiting her and my aunt and uncle, we were sitting around the table eating. I don't know how the subject came up, but they were talking about how she raised her whole family by herself. In her cute little Japanese accent she said, "When he died, I wanted to piss on his grave and curse him for leaving me with these five kids!!" ( maybe those weren't her exact words, but they were close.)

My Obachan has had health problems for as long as I can remember. She has been in congestive heart failure for probably the last 20 years, she had heart disease, was a diabetic, faced cancer, and towards the end of her life kidney failure. She lived with my Aunt Jane for about the past ten years. My aunt Jane is without a doubt the best caregiver you could ask for. Needless to say she is also the biggest loud-mouth overall bitchiest badass that I know. I wouldn't want to face her in a dark alley. Her and my Obachan would get in the biggest arguments when Aunt Jane would tell her that she just couldn't do some things (climb up on a 3 foot unsteady step stool to get things out of the cupboard when she was 80 years old). But Obachan never ever wanted her help or sympathy. She was the toughest four foot-something Japanese lady ever.

She took care of me when I was a baby when my parents were just starting out and living in Florida. We visited almost ever summer for as long as I can remember. My mom and dad went down to Florida last week right before they moved her to hospice to see her, but really for support for my dads brothers. Mom told me the other day that on one of the last days that Obachan was coherent enough to speak, she raised her arm and head up and said, "Someone bring me my checkbook! I need to write Elyse's Birthday check!!"
I won't miss the check, but I will miss getting the card every ear, with the scrawly writing from her telling me she loved me and Happy Birthday.

I love her.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011



sorry if I woke you

she says upon discovery of the slumbering silver psyche

what’s a pretty little thing like you
doing way down here?

I have a hole

a hole?

a hole

may I see?

right here

she points to her chest

doesn’t that hurt?

a little

come here
let me look at you

she tiptoes towards him tacitly

darling, you’re bleeding!

yeah, it’s been doing that for a while now
all of my clothes are ruined

he reviews her jagged curves

I thought you were dressed in red
you wear it too well

glassy drops drip over her painted body
weaving glossy trails of existence
mingling with the sticky diluted colour
warm and painted wet

who did this to you?

I did

she shuffles her feet
eyes fall to the floor

dearest, who did this to you?

he moistens a cloud white cloth
as he directs her to the washroom

I did

why would you do such a thing
to yourself?

he begins drawing an ivory bath
with water so clear and sparkling

I wanted to see

see what?

if I could feel

she scratches a fingernail into her arm
revealing a sliver of her milky ghost

do you mind?

he extends his arm
mildly enveloping her dripping hand in his
a last wave of emotion rolls over her
while she steps gingerly into the tub

let’s see what we can do

he smiles with his eyes
winking them into hers

why are you helping me?

because I can
is that alright?

I don’t want to be a burden…

sweetheart, you’re only a burden to yourself

his words sting with burning honesty
she withdraws into herself

close your eyes
I’ll take care of you

she pulls away abruptly
panic flooding her perception

how can I trust you?


he removes each piece of clothing
laying them in a gentle heap at his feet

is that better?

he winces as she examines his naked form
suddenly shy in his voluntary exposure
he turns his head in shame

I have a hole too, you know

you wear it well
did you mend it yourself?

many times
I have to sew it every day
with a little bone needle and heart strings

come here
let me look at you

he enters the bathtub and stands facing her
in unison they slip down into the water
sitting with torsos and arms above
legs intertwining below

do you mind?

she begins to pluck at the strings
working them out of his skin
tenderly tugging out his past
passionately pulling out his memories

who did this to you?

I did

she finishes extracting the threads
and leans back in confusion

I know

he smooths the cotton cloth around her tattered tear
streaking out a sterling snowstorm
dying the warm liquid a swirling scarlet
he warily washes off her past
carefully cleanses off her memories

I want to give you something
you can do with it what you want

she watches closely as he
digs his fingers into his chest
leaving the gash gaping
fear invades her taciturnity

how can you trust me?

he nudges open her drooling cavern
and sets his heart in her cage

you found me

he snatches a clean heart string
snaps off a new splintered bone

you saw me

she grips the marble sides
now pink with their leaking ichor

you felt me

he threads the imperfect ivory needle
and presses it lightly into her skin

you heard me

he stitches her closed
sealing it with a kiss

but I’ve nothing for you…
my heart has gone missing!

no it hasn’t

she furrows her brow
new tears
pure tears

you gave it to me already

he dips her fingers into him

when you woke me

Monday, September 19, 2011

So it goes

Life is so hectic. By life I mean school. By school I mean my all-consuming homework that I will never be able to stay on top of unless I just never sleep, ever.

I miss going to the station almost everyday. I love going to my life group, but that takes away my Thursday night meetings and trainings, or most of them, for the next couple months :(

I am scared, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm scared I am going to be the only girl. Which wouldn't be bad, but I am even more scared that one, I'm going to be the only girl, and two, that I am going to be one of the only TRUE beginners and that because I'm a girl, they will look at me and say 'oh she can't do because she is a girl,' when in fact I am just new.
But I'm also so excited that I can't stop thinking about it. Plus, it will be a good break from school. Well, at least a change of scenery. More than likely I will have to do some of my homework while I'm there too. Joy.

I miss singing. I have sang in school almost everyday since I've been in second grade. I am having withdrawals. No, singing in the car or in the shower is not the same thing. Oh my gosh I miss Austin Idol. That was my absolute FAVORITE thing about senior year. I love my Barefooters

Sunday, September 18, 2011

There are no words for how much I love this woman

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I feel things deeply for other people. I always have. Sometimes, to the point where it starts physically and mentally affecting me.

But, much of the time, I have a hard time feeling, or allowing myself to feel things.
I'm working on it.

Monday, September 5, 2011

When I grow up and have (adopt) child, I promise to have a birthday party for him every year that he/ she lives with me.
I went to a new friend's birthday party recently, and I remember him telling me that party was the first real birthday party he had ever had when he actually had people come and hang out.

Some people think that birthday parties are silly and not important and it really doesn't matter. "What's one more year?" or, "they are too young to be able to remember it anyways."
They are ALIVE.
There are people and children around the world that struggle to stay alive everyday. There are kids that don't know if they are going to make it til their next meal, much less the next year.
It doesn't have to be a huge blow-out party ordeal, just make someone a cake or a special dinner, something to let them know that they are cared for and loved.


So. Much. Leg. work-outs.
My thighs are screaming at me.
I will be able to flip that tire SOON.