lately

you know... just been busy with some major life changes

a field

Someone asked me once to draw my favorite place in nature. I really don't have one specific place that I love, but any field with long grass sometimes with horses will do, so thats what I drew.

When I was little, when we lived in our old house, me and dad would take our dog Rusty up to Woodmeade where there was a big open field in the back. No matter how far my dad threw that blue ball, Rusty always came back.

Throughout my pre-teenage years, I hung out alot with Lacey, my best friend at the time. Her and her family had horses, and I would go ride with them almost every weekend. I remember her and I walking through pasture after pasture and having what, at the time, were our serious conversations.

Even now, I have this place that I drive out to. I don't have a clue who owns it, and I probably am tresspassing or doing something illegal, but no one has stopped me yet. But its just a little pasture, with about 6 horses . I always take a big bag full of cut apples and carrots. To myself I refer to it as my happy getaway place. My friends make fun of me for loving them so much, but there is nothing more calming or beautiful than horses. Have you ever seen horses run through an open field? Its breath taking, and almost artistic the way their muscles move under their skin. They are so loving and trusting of people and always striving to please. This is why I want to have a horse ranch to help disabled kids when I get older. People talk about how horses have a certain 'sense,' and how they can tell to be extra gentle with little kids, and with people who have certain disabilities or disorders. This is why they they are always used in animal assisted therapy for anyone ranging from ADD to a traumatized war veteran. Its impossible for me to stay mad or angry or upset when I am at that place. Feeling those huge whiskery lips on my hand or shoulder is the best thing in the world.

I think people have forgotten how to have quiet places. They have forgotten how to calm themselves down without the aid of drugs or pills or hitting something or some other stimulant. Everyone needs that place, whether its tangible or in your mind.

I am a graduate of Austin High School. Its so weird to think that I will never walk the halls as a student again. Actual graduation wasn't as teary or sad as I thought it was going to be for me. But I know at the end of the summer when all but a few of my best friends leave, I will have a hard time. This is probably the last summer we will all get to spend together that we are all living in the same town. And that makes me sad.

I am excited for new adventures and new things, but seeing all these people that know what they want to do with their lives make me even more unsure of what I want to do with mine. I don't even know what I want right now. I want to be happy and confident with myself and my decisions, and I want to grow up and love what I do, I just have to find what that is.

I'm going to spend as much time as I can with my friends. I love them so much because they make me who I am.

"Friendship is a comforting smile, a familiar voice that warms the heart, and the freedom to be the person God intended."

"Everytime you smeil at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
-Mother Teresa

You know what

You know what I don't like? Double standards. If you're not going to hold yourself to the same criteria and expectations, then why ask someone else to.

You know what I love? MY CAMERA... and my editing program that my lovely friend, Mary Beth, so graciously installed for me. More hours wasted.

You know what I am not good at? Talking. Expressing, Showing, And trying to make people understand.

You know what I AM good at? Listening, and being a friend. Thats about it, but I figure it counts for something.

You know one thing that grates on my nerves? Lately there has been sooo much of this on facebook and it makes me sick. Girls post on their statuses:

Message me:

1- if you think I am hot

2- if you think I am sweet

3- if you think I am ugly

4- if you want to chill

5- smash

Its gross. And guys will post similar things asking girls to message them numbers so they can answer questions anonymously on their statuses. Its sad because you know there are girls out there who actually take what these guys into accout when they think about their self worth. Girls, I guarantee these guess aren't judging you by your personality or your heart. Its so not worth it.

Rollercoaster

Life is the craziest ride I have ever been on.

We graduate in four days. FOUR.DAYS.

(This picture is solely for my face... and Becca laughing at my failure at jumping)

today

was the hardest day ever.

i'm going to be a wreck at graduation.

i'm writing letters to my friends, which isn't helping my emotionally unstable situation.

i love my friends. so much.

For Life

There are som people that I always want to be in my life, and it is these people that I am going to miss the most when they leave for college.

We had our choir concert last Thursday night. It was my last real concert ever, not counting when we sing at graduation. I think I probably cried more after that than maybe after real graduation. I love them. They are my people.

At the end of the concert, Mr. Moore did senior recognition, then he showed the senior slide show that had pictures of all of us from when we were little up until now.

Of course my mom sent in one of me only in my underwear standing in cowboy boots... The only thing I heard for the next day was "I've seen Elyse DeVor NAKED!"

But the songs that were playing during this tore me UP. Then all the moms were crying and we were all taking pictures.

Singing the alma mater together at the end was really what got me.

I'm selfish in that I am super happy Jacob is going to Calhoun with me and staying here. We are making road trips to see William and Cole, he just doesn't know it yet.

P.S. I sang a solo

P.P.S. I'M EXEMPTING PRECAL

May

I am No Good At Love

I am no good at love
My heart should be wise and free
I kill the unfortunate golden goose
Whoever it may be
With over-articulate tenderness
And too much intensity

I am no good at love
I better it our of shape
Suspicion tears at my sleepless mind
And, gibbering like an ape,
I lie alone in the endless dark
Knowing there's no escape.

I am no good at love
When my easy heart I yeild
Wild words come tumbling from my mouth
Which should have stayed concealed;
And my jealousy turns a bed of bliss
Into a battlefield.

I am no good at love
I betray it with little sins
For I feel the misery of the end
In the moment that it begins
And the bitterness of the last good-bye
Is the bitterness that mins.
~Noel Coward


Greys Anatomy (I'm addicted, even though it makes me hurt everytime I watch it)

"We pretend the shadow isn't there, hoping that if we run faster and farther, it'll get tired and give up the chase. But like they say, you can't outrun your shadow."

....

"If you really want to escape your shadow, all you have to do, is turn off the light."
~Grey



(I love this poem. I believe it holds true for any friendship)

Recipe For Happiness
Khabarovsk or Anyplace

One grand boulevard with trees
with one grand cafe in sun
with strong black coffee in very small cups

One not necessarily very beautiful
man or woman who loves you

One fine day
~Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I'm getting my camera SOON.

We are GRADUATING.

bird

Thats the single word from the evening that sticks in my mind.

All Michael did that entire night was quote scenes from The Notebook... almost perfectly.

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird."

Prom was great. I'm glad I was finally able to get excited about it. The whole night was good. We had our own, sorta-photographer. I haven't gotten those pictures back yet, but I was pumped.

P.s. My blog makes everything so spread out, I don't know what is going on and I have no computer skills whatsoever to fix it.

P.p.s. if you have a smart phone, download the app 'Heytell' its pretty awsome

As a wise friend once said,

"Reality is too much"

Give me something brighter

Give me something I can see

Give me something vicious

Give me something I can be

Give me all the love and peace

To end these wars

Give me something sacred

Something worth fighting for

Its clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

to believe in these hard times

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Shoe me til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

ITs clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

We hides like thieves in shadows

Scared of the sun

We know the light will find us

Us and all we've done

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Excerpts from 'Eat, Pray, Love':

"If you clear out all that space in your mind that you are using right now to obsess about (insert problem here), you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a door-way. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you have ever dreamed."

"There's a reason why they call God a presence- because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

I'm not eating for five days... or else my prom dress will not fit.

I'm NOT as excited for prom as I should be. I'm TIRED.