Let go

I've always generally concidered myself a rather put together person. Not a perfect person, by far, but one who at least had, what seemed to be, control, of my life. But now it seems I can't really control anything. I know that I shouldn't try to be 'controling' things and that I should just let go and let God, but sometimes thats a hard thing for me to grasp. The stress and uncertainty of my future is really getting to me and I think its impeeding my decisions about simple daily tasks. Plus, my extreme case of Senioritis isn't helping at all. Someitmes people ask me why I go to the gym all the time. One, my extreme fear of being fat, but mostly because its the only sense of normalcy and is a time where I don't have to think about anything but my body.
I seem to be angry alot lately. Not really at a particular person, but just me and my inability to do the right thing, make the right decision, always be there for my friends, or talk to people.
I'm one of those people who will hold things in and put up an I'm-happy-and-nothing-is-wrong front, which generally seems to work. But sometimes it seems to be cracking. I feel like its making me bitter and calloused. I sincerely wish I had someone to talk to about this. I KNOW that if I went to Hannah or Gaby they would listen and hug me and try their best to understand and all the stuff that girls do when they have a problem, but I just don't know if they would really understand. The only people that I could talk to, it seems that I have hurt, and I don't know how to fix it. And its killing me.

I just want to go back to the end of junior year. I think its really the last time I had a grip on my life.

Here's Why

I love my friends. ALL of them.
I consider myself to have a lot of friends, and they are all very different people. Some are people that my other friends might not normally hang around. But thats okay to me.
Sometimes, and seems alot at present, people ask me why I hang out with that girl, or why I am so close friends with him.

I don't believe that we initially make friends on the qualities we don't like in people. I believe we see something in another person that we like, or that is similar to us, and we embrace it.

Maybe by having friends they fill a place in you where qualities you don't like or don't have are missing. Its not possible for someone to love and adore every single quality about someone, nor about themselves.But the things I do love in others are why I'm friends with them.

When we hurt eachother, we should write it down in the sand, so the winds of forgiveness can make it go away for good. When we help eachother we should chisle it in stone, lest we never forget the love of a friend. -Christian H. Godefroy

Can miles truely separate you from friends.... if you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? -Richard Bach

Dumbfounded

So tonight I went to a party... one that didn't involve baking cookies and watching movies and making crazy videos... and Some people are just awful. I love the guy whose birthday it was and it wasn't him who bothered me. Some of the dancing I can understand but ... REALLY?

I love being out in public with my boyfriend because I like to show him off, and I know thats weird, but thats about the only thing I got out of tonight.

Its bad when your embarrassed not about yourself... but for someone else.

I had so much more fun before the party when I was at one of my long-time best friend's surprise birthday dinner.

Hmph

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niebuhr

For the past few weeks I've been having an internal battle with myself over alot of things. Alot of times I have a hard time doing whats best for me, versus doing whats best for other people. I guess sometimes I figure doing whats best for me can wait, but maybe whats best for the other person or people could maybe better them or a situation now. Who knows...

I hate snow. ALOT.

I want to go to school.

I'm so happy the Auburn won the National Championship. The South ROCKS.

I have another entry I wanted to write instead of this, but I figured it will probably be rather extensive, and I'm exhausted, and my back hurts from shoveling the 'Winter Wonderland' off our driveway. Hmph.

Am I the only one who looks up quotes to match their mood and feelings?
I love quotes.

Until a later date.

Res-es

Resolutions:

*Try and make better, less hasty decisions that get me in trouble (impulsive buying)
*Be closer to my friends
*Don't loose sight (aka Don't completely fail)
*Not holding things in that hurt me
*Don't be FAT
*Cook more
*Tell my parents I appreciate them
*Have more courage
*Read WAAAAY more than first semester
*Don't be "shady"
*Always do whats best for ME
*Encourage people
*Care less about what people may think


Thing I want to do or to happen in 2011:

*Sign up for a ballroom dance class
*As my father says 'lighten up'
*Go to Bonaroo
*Persuade my parents to buy a horse (yeah right)
*Have an amazing senior prom
*Write a killer research papaer
*Make it to the beach at somepoint
*Camp and hike WAAAY more
*Cut my hair after senior year

I suppose some of these could go in either catagory