.

 I am finally coming to terms with one of the things I have been struggling with most recently.
I have been working out pretty hard, sometimes twice a day, or adding some type of outdoor activity along with a workout. And I am really starting to see results and they are good, I am getting a lot stronger. However, I am coming to accept that I will never be skinny. One, I just am not built for it. I am kinda shaped like a boy as in I gain muscle really easily when I work out, versus getting slender. Two, there was never a "skinny" firefighter. At least not one that excels at his or her job. Intellectually, I KNOW that I have to eat enough to fuel my body to function with all of the training and exercise I have been doing. I know that I will not be able to help lift the heavy equipment we use in rescues as an EMT or a firefighter if I am not eating enough to be able to gain the muscle to do so.  I also know that I have an incredibly disciplined and healthy diet for someone my age and I should be proud. So, this is me sucking it up and trying to be okay with getting a little bulky if it means I will be good at what I want to do

From time to time I like to list things that are making me happy, so here goes:

sugar snap peas and apple slices ( the snack of the great AEMTS)
large comfy flannels to sleep in
pumpkin flavored everything
open windows
new trucks
my dog
coffee
crushed ice
my new friend and gym bud
my brother and his cute girlfriend (iowneencur they are precious)
anti-inflammatory meds
school
poetry




Here are some pictures I had forgotten about that might brighten your day (they did mine at least)


Jacob doing a flip (obvious success)

Elyse's attempt (the ground won)

I believe that even if I gave it my best effort, I could never be a party-er. I've had this insomnia thing going on for about a week now and it is killing me. I like my nine to ten o'clock bedtimes with 2-4 hour naps if time allows.
I mean, people actually go out and are active ALL night, dancing, actually doing stuff and talking to people. Maybe I just don't like people enough for that.


Tonight, my tactic, up until right now, has been laying in bed and only thinking the word 'sleep.'
SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP
Needless to say, I am not asleep. And its almost one. AGAIN.

Remembering

I don’t cry easily. I am not scared by much. But every year on this day, especially the last few years, I bawl like a baby. Anytime I read or hear about people who willingly walk into something where they know there is a very great chance they will not come back out, has my utmost respect, gratitude, and thanks.

411 emergency personnel died this day eleven years ago. Those people left behind wives, husbands, sons and daughters, and mothers and fathers to selflessly attempt to rescue as many as they could from seemingly hopeless situations. 343 firefighters lost their lives on that day. As a firefighter, you know from the get-go that you are not guaranteed your next shift, even though no one truly likes to talk about it. Although equally as bad, this was not just one man lost, this was truckload after truckload, department after department,  of brave soldiers selflessly marching into probably the closest thing to hell anyone has ever seen.

It is on days like today when I wish I could wrap my arms around all of my brothers and sisters in the fire, ems, and police services and thank them for what they do everyday.   Today, especially those of the FDNY and NYPD who lost family members, whether they were bound by blood or by brotherhood.

I have never been more proud of the career path I have chosen than on days like today.

The number one thing I am thankful for this weekends is Mary Beth.

And Jesus, for putting her into my life.