Thursday, December 29, 2011

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine

Monday, December 26, 2011

There will always be those people that never ever leave.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis

"Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers."
- Proverbs 18:24

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My girls came home. I love them. I can't wait to spend a month with everyone

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Monday, December 5, 2011


Last week I turned in my nine page course reflection paper I did for my psychology class, I went to our Thursday night meeting at the department, I got up early like I do every Friday, worked out, got my coffee at Southern Reflections, went to work, made the lunch run for everyone like always, laughed with all of the goofy ladies at the candy store, then went home to get ready to run a shift at the station. I was a little later than usual getting home. It was already about six before I was changing into my uniform. Then at 6:18 our tones went off for a wreck off of Modaus. I went en route and tried to get there as quick as possible. As soon as I pulled up on scene I heard our Lieutenant call for back-up from a neighboring department.

I can't say much about it, but Friday was a terrible night to say the least. I don't really know that much about anything. But I do know that after this weekend, I am more proud than I have ever been.
I am proud of our guys in our department. They took control and did exactly what you should do in those situations. They are amazing. They were calm and brave and strong. We all were. I am blessed to get to be a part of something so great.
I am proud to be an Austin Black Bear. After word got out that the two who were killed in the wreck were students at Austin, Facebook and Twitter started blowing up, people were coming together and praying like crazy, doors were opened for students, faculty and family to come and talk and grieve and just hug each other all over Decatur. I am proud that I live in a city and went to a school with so many good people. This has brought people together like nothing I have ever seen before.
I am proud that my brothers and I could go to Bailey's, and soon Nick's, funeral as a family who care about the people we help everyday.
I am EXTREMELY proud of Elise. She is officially the strongest most beautiful girl I know.
I am proud of Bailey and Nick, who are leaving behind a legacy that everyone will feel probably for the rest of their life. I have heard more God stories in the past few days than ever. The circumstances are awful, but I think that is what they would have wanted.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Sometimes people are dumb. Sometimes they are mean and hurtful and just terrible. They tell you things and make you promises that they never intended to keep. They hurt your feelings and make you feel worthless and like you were never and never will be good enough and if you could just change that one thing then maybe you would be okay.
A lot of times I don't like people.

And then, I see my friends. And I remember how thankful I should be for what I do have, despite what I don't. I love them. I LOVE them.

Here's what I am thankful for since Thanksgiving will soon be here:

I am thankful for my church. Epic has been the best thing that has happened to me since I entered my teenage years. I got baptized there, I have fantastic lifetime friends, I am in a lifegroup with people that would do anything for me if I needed them to, I get to receive the word of God and just other general life wisdom from one of the best men on the planet, and I get to witness miraculous and amazing things that our church does through out reach projects.

I am thankful for my friends. I could not ever express in words what deep love and gratitude I have for them. I honestly do not know if I would be there if it were not for these wonderful people I have in my life. I am so grateful for all of them, but especially the few that have been there and stuck by me through the hard stuff; Jacob, Becca, Mary Beth, Cole, William, Emily, Hannah, and Gaby. First of all, some of them put up with me from the beginning with my huge hair and braces and general disgustingness, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. They kept me sane through high school when I thought for certain that I was losing it. We have done some of the DUMBEST things together, but above all we still always managed to have fun without any of the drugs or drinking that so many other groups of people at this age 'have' to have to have a good time.
They have been there for me through all the break-ups and relationship problems, then they heard me talk and rant and blubber for countless hours about those things. Bless them.
Sometimes we have our moments when we sort of fight, but then we realize how stupid we are and that we have to have eachother. And that's how I know that they are here always and they are supposed to be.
I know we have only been in school one semester, but these are the ones that I still talk to if not on a daily, then at least a weekly basis and who, when they come home, we still make the effort to see eachother and pick up right where we left off.
They are the ones who get me out of bed and drag me to work with them just so I won't stay in my bed and mope after I had something rough happen.
They are the ones who I can lay in my driveway with until 2 a.m. and talk about farting and take walks with and who I can laugh with until my stomach hurts.
I am eternally grateful and thankful for every single one of them. They will never know how much of a major part they play in my life everyday. I love, and hope they know that I would do ANYTHING for them, just like they have always done for me.

I am thankful for my family who love and live with me despite, well, me.

I am thankful for Mud Tavern Volunteer Fire Department. With them I know what I want to do with my life, and I am proud of it. I have gained at least 10 brothers that are some of the most awesome teachers and the goofiest best guys I know. I love them so much. I would be at the station every moment if life didn't get in the way so much. I love being a part of something that is so much bigger than myself and that I get to help people. They are simply the best.

I am thankful for my dogs.

I am thankful for my boyfriend who I can constantly be silly with and who I am so comfortable around.

I am thankful for singing and music.

I am thankful for books and literature.

There are so many other things, but these are just a few. I love Thanksgiving. I am also extremely excited that all of the upcoming holidays will bring my friends home

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

This is my blog. Sometimes I enjoy talking to it more than people.

Alex Powell may be the best thing that has ever happened to me. (Well, he is tied with the Fire Department) Its so weird. Its SO weird. I don't understand and I don't know how, but I am happier than I think I have ever been. I didn't think that was possible. I still haven't fully believed it yet. And everyday I am afraid that it is going to go away, or he is going to realize how weird and strange and broken I am and not be here.
But he is here. And I'm still moving and breathing, and he is helping me.

He sings. I love it. I'm expecting a song for my Christmas present, even though he won't sing in front of me... (this is a hint if he reads it).
Also, he has pretty Asian-people hair.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sometimes I get in these moods. Not really moods I guess, more like states. I wouldn't call them 'woe-is-me' states, more like 'I-wish-things-didn't-change-and-I'm-having-a-hard-time-letting-go' states. Then, yesterday actually, I realized I was dumb. And yes, sometimes you wish certain things were different, but that sure doesn't change what they are now. And that that's okay, and that God has a plan, and that you really should NOT undermine Him. He,a matter of fact, DOES know what he's doing, whether you do or not. And maybe, all the time you spend thinking on stuff you miss, you may be missing out on bigger and better opportunities that He has laid out there for you. So, that's where I am at. Appreciating what I do have, an
d what I do not.

I have a fantastic church, a loving family, the best friends I could ever ask for, a boyfriend that cares about me a lot, a good job, and a fabulous bunch of big brothers that want nothing more than to help me get to where I am going.

Life is good. Its about time I suck it up and appreciate it.

Monday, October 31, 2011

''A love story must always be told in two parts. The first part is the desert when there is no rain. There is sadness in the desert. The rocks are beige, plain, unremarkable. Then a storm comes. The water covers the sand at the end of the first part. In the second part, a star explodes. It makes no sound and most of the universe pays no notice. In either part of the story, there is a kind of iconography at work that should be carefully read. For instance,no one on earth has seen this star's light even after it dies. Imagine how far those last little beams travel, how the person they finally reach finally has not a clue they've been touched by a ghost.''

-Charles Jensen

Friday, October 28, 2011

Who woulda thunk?

Who would have thought? I am dating Alex Powell. Today was a very good day. I am happy. Six months ago, I would not have dreamed or believed it had someone told me this was what to become of my future. What?
I wasn't going to let this happen again. The whole, getting attached thing. The letting the other person know you thing. The comfortable thing. The relationship thing.
But, I'm in one. And I am okay. Fantastic actually.

I am in this awesome life group which is lead by two of the most amazing people and role models I know. One night we were on the topic of love and the fallacies we have about it sometimes. Chris said one of the best things the and Erin agreed to do from the moment they started dating was to be COMPLETELY open and honest with each other about any and everything, and to talk all the time.
I told Alex about it, and how I thought we should both think about committing to the same thing. From the past, I think it is the only way to keep a strong relationship where you know you have someone to go to if you need help.

He is so nice.

P.S.- I love my best friend Jacob and Andrew who came to see me at work today. They are simply the best.

Monday, October 17, 2011

i love this

"Shine The Light"

When you walk into the edge of those dark and lonely woods
And when I ask "How was your day?"
You answer "Not so good"
And when nothing seems to be working out quite the way it should....
I will shine the light
When the skies up above you fill with gray and stormy clouds
And there's not a single face you know in the maddening crowd
When you know that you will make your way, but you just can't see how....
I will shine the light
I will shine the light
I will shine the light
I will hold you in my arms until everything's alright
I will shine the light
And when your worries, they won't let you sleep and rob you of your days
And you've looked in all directions but you still can't find your way
Or when you just need someone to remind you that it's all gonna be okay
I will shine the light
I will shine the light
I will shine the light
When you're staring down your demons waiting in your darkest night
I will shine the light
Sometimes we jump into the great unknown
Some roads we're on, we'll have to walk alone
But waiting there in the end is a heart that calls you a friend....
That's me.
Clapping the loudest, welcoming you home
So when your heart is heavy like a stone
From carrying it's load
And you look into the mirror and see someone you don't know
Or when the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat
I will shine the light
I will shine the light
I will shine the light
When you've given into your fear
When you've lost your will to fight
Let me know that I can do
Let me try to make it right
And I will shine the light
I will shine the light

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I am so busy all the time. I love staying busy and staying active, but today, while I was sitting and reading my book for my life group, I realized how busy and "on" my mind actually stays. I am reading the book, Walking with God, for our group. It was a coincidence that RIGHT before I read the section talking about this, that I actually realized how ADD I am.

Our brains are constantly looking for something to do these days. Even when we are 'relaxing,' I especially, let my mind wander to different things like when I'm going to study, or a new work-out, or what time I need to get to the library, or when I'm going to get to the station next. It never stops. I 'read' probably three whole pages in that book before I realized that I had no clue what I had really read, but instead looked up at every car that drove by, and studied all the people in the coffee shop I was in, and just thought about other things than what I was actually trying to focus on.

The book talked about how we have to be still and quiet and actually take time out of our day to slow down and listen to God. I will be first to admit that I don't do this enough. I am always going from one place to another. And when I do have time to just sit, I am planning what I'm going to do next, not spending my time doing something that is actually really valuable, talking to God.
I am working on it.

I love this book.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm afraid

Sunday, October 2, 2011



I honestly have never been happier in my entire life than when I was in Tuscaloosa with my department. I can not explain it. I just felt smile-y (If that's something you can feel) all of the time. The entire weekend.
I was on a campus with hundreds of fire fighters. HUNDREDS. What more could you want out of life? Hundreds of people who think just like me and who want to help people and who are a thousand times more experienced than I could ever imagine. It's crazy. I never wanted to leave.

When Matt was driving us to the first morning of 8 a.m. classes, I was SOO nervous. I was worried about being the only beginner and not being able to answer and of the questions and being judged because I was a girl and being the only one from my department in there and not making friends. I AM a beginner, nothing can change that, and I was easily one of the youngest and smallest in the class, but everyone was so friendly and willing to help you in any way they could. I realized the people you work with in your department are not your only brothers. The WHOLE fire fighter community as a whole is like one big family. Even if you don't know eachother. I didn't know anyone in that class going in, but coming out, I had so many new friends from departments all over Alabama.

The first day was just strictly in the classroom learning the different methods, strategies, techniques, and just different stuff about the new technologies they are putting cars now a days that could be potentially destructive to you or the patient you are trying to get out of the entrapped car. I love our instructor. His name was Tommy MacPherson from Brindlee Mountain. He was fantastic! He told the best stories and was just very personable, nice, and definitely knew what he was doing. I learned so much just from the lecture presentation part.
The second day was when we got to go out and do the hands on part. We had SIX cars that we got to play on and cut up! We had almost 35 people in our class, so he split us up into two teams. Even though I am inexperienced about a lot of stuff, I knew, even with the very little training that I had of extrication, that I knew more than a lot of the people in that class. Some of them had never even held the tools you use. The guy that was the designated leader of that class would say "Who wants to do this?" and a lot of the time nobody would step up, so I would! I think I did more than most of the guys that day! On one of our breaks, one of the guys said that it looked like I had quite a bit of experience in that field, and I said no not at all! I just had fabulous teachers and great practice in training! I felt so accomplished, even though my arms are pretty sore today. I LOVED IT. Haha, another plus to being one of the only girls there was you get your lunch paid for :)
All of the guys in my group were great. I could have not have asked for a better group of new people to take that class with. I can not wait to go back next time!


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Farewell! If Ever Fondest Prayer

Farewell! if ever fondest prayer
For other's weal availed on high,
Mine will not all be lost in air,
But waft thy name beyond the sky.
'Twere vain to speak, to weep, to sigh:
Oh! more than tears of blood can tell,
When wrung from guilt's expiring eye,
Are in that word - Farewell! - Farewell!

These lips are mute, these eyes are dry;
But in my breast and in my brain,
Awake the pangs that pass not by,
The thought that ne'er shall sleep again.
My soul nor deigns nor dares complain,
Though grief and passion there rebel;
I only know we loved in vain -
I only feel - Farewell! - Farewell!

Lord Byron


by: George Gordon (Lord) Byron (1788-1824)

      O, we'll go no more a-roving
      So late into the night,
      Though the heart be still as loving,
      And the moon be still as bright.
      For the sword outwears its sheath,
      And the soul wears out the breast,
      And the heart must pause to breathe,
      And love itself have a rest.
      Though the night was made for loving,
      And the day returns too soon,
      Yet we'll go no more a-roving
      By the light of the moon.

      How to Be Alone

      by: Tanya Davis

      If you are at first lonely, be patient.

      If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

      We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

      There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

      Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

      And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

      Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

      The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

      Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

      When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

      Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

      And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

      Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

      Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

      But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

      You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

      But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

      Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

      It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

      Take silence and respect it.

      If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

      You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

      If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

      There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


Death is not a hard concept for me. I know things happen and people die, whether of natural causes or other, so goes life. In the future, I will probably be faced with death many times because of my chosen occupation.
There has been people die in my family and close circle of friends. However, this is different. I don't know how I should handle this.
How do you live in a world where one of the most beautiful, strong women, mother, friend, and person that you have ever known, no longer exists?

My Obachan was a rock. No, she was a BEAST. She grew up in Japan where she later worked for the government. She married my dad's dad who was full Cherokee Indian and lived in america where they started a family. My grandfather, who I never met, died when my dad, the youngest in his family, was still very young. She raised five kids on her own in a foreign country. SHE RAISED FIVE KIDS ALONE IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. Four of those five were boys.

I remember one summer when we we in Florida visiting her and my aunt and uncle, we were sitting around the table eating. I don't know how the subject came up, but they were talking about how she raised her whole family by herself. In her cute little Japanese accent she said, "When he died, I wanted to piss on his grave and curse him for leaving me with these five kids!!" ( maybe those weren't her exact words, but they were close.)

My Obachan has had health problems for as long as I can remember. She has been in congestive heart failure for probably the last 20 years, she had heart disease, was a diabetic, faced cancer, and towards the end of her life kidney failure. She lived with my Aunt Jane for about the past ten years. My aunt Jane is without a doubt the best caregiver you could ask for. Needless to say she is also the biggest loud-mouth overall bitchiest badass that I know. I wouldn't want to face her in a dark alley. Her and my Obachan would get in the biggest arguments when Aunt Jane would tell her that she just couldn't do some things (climb up on a 3 foot unsteady step stool to get things out of the cupboard when she was 80 years old). But Obachan never ever wanted her help or sympathy. She was the toughest four foot-something Japanese lady ever.

She took care of me when I was a baby when my parents were just starting out and living in Florida. We visited almost ever summer for as long as I can remember. My mom and dad went down to Florida last week right before they moved her to hospice to see her, but really for support for my dads brothers. Mom told me the other day that on one of the last days that Obachan was coherent enough to speak, she raised her arm and head up and said, "Someone bring me my checkbook! I need to write Elyse's Birthday check!!"
I won't miss the check, but I will miss getting the card every ear, with the scrawly writing from her telling me she loved me and Happy Birthday.

I love her.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011



sorry if I woke you

she says upon discovery of the slumbering silver psyche

what’s a pretty little thing like you
doing way down here?

I have a hole

a hole?

a hole

may I see?

right here

she points to her chest

doesn’t that hurt?

a little

come here
let me look at you

she tiptoes towards him tacitly

darling, you’re bleeding!

yeah, it’s been doing that for a while now
all of my clothes are ruined

he reviews her jagged curves

I thought you were dressed in red
you wear it too well

glassy drops drip over her painted body
weaving glossy trails of existence
mingling with the sticky diluted colour
warm and painted wet

who did this to you?

I did

she shuffles her feet
eyes fall to the floor

dearest, who did this to you?

he moistens a cloud white cloth
as he directs her to the washroom

I did

why would you do such a thing
to yourself?

he begins drawing an ivory bath
with water so clear and sparkling

I wanted to see

see what?

if I could feel

she scratches a fingernail into her arm
revealing a sliver of her milky ghost

do you mind?

he extends his arm
mildly enveloping her dripping hand in his
a last wave of emotion rolls over her
while she steps gingerly into the tub

let’s see what we can do

he smiles with his eyes
winking them into hers

why are you helping me?

because I can
is that alright?

I don’t want to be a burden…

sweetheart, you’re only a burden to yourself

his words sting with burning honesty
she withdraws into herself

close your eyes
I’ll take care of you

she pulls away abruptly
panic flooding her perception

how can I trust you?


he removes each piece of clothing
laying them in a gentle heap at his feet

is that better?

he winces as she examines his naked form
suddenly shy in his voluntary exposure
he turns his head in shame

I have a hole too, you know

you wear it well
did you mend it yourself?

many times
I have to sew it every day
with a little bone needle and heart strings

come here
let me look at you

he enters the bathtub and stands facing her
in unison they slip down into the water
sitting with torsos and arms above
legs intertwining below

do you mind?

she begins to pluck at the strings
working them out of his skin
tenderly tugging out his past
passionately pulling out his memories

who did this to you?

I did

she finishes extracting the threads
and leans back in confusion

I know

he smooths the cotton cloth around her tattered tear
streaking out a sterling snowstorm
dying the warm liquid a swirling scarlet
he warily washes off her past
carefully cleanses off her memories

I want to give you something
you can do with it what you want

she watches closely as he
digs his fingers into his chest
leaving the gash gaping
fear invades her taciturnity

how can you trust me?

he nudges open her drooling cavern
and sets his heart in her cage

you found me

he snatches a clean heart string
snaps off a new splintered bone

you saw me

she grips the marble sides
now pink with their leaking ichor

you felt me

he threads the imperfect ivory needle
and presses it lightly into her skin

you heard me

he stitches her closed
sealing it with a kiss

but I’ve nothing for you…
my heart has gone missing!

no it hasn’t

she furrows her brow
new tears
pure tears

you gave it to me already

he dips her fingers into him

when you woke me