Trying

This is about to be one of those awfully cliche teenage girl posts. So prepare yourself and don't feel obligated to read if you don't want to.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt? Or something so bad and knowing you can't do anything to change the status of your situation to obtain said thing?

Sometimes I just lay on my bed and hug myself tight because I feel that if I don't I might come apart at my seams. I can't do anything nowadays. I can't talk, I make people mad, I do the wrong things... just EVERYTHING.

I just want one thing. And I know that I probably should not want it, but I do. And I think I always will, even if nothing changes from where I am now. I really don't want anything else. My control issue makes this the center of my thoughts. Its like my mind is a tunnel and that bright light at the end is the only thing I want, but I can never ever get there.

This is making me bitter. Something I have never before been in my life. Its getting away from me. I can see myself lashing out sometimes at the people I love the most, and I feel terrible for it. I want to stop.

I want to make things better and right, but my mouth always seems to get in the way. I can never say what I truly feel.

I trained myself for so long to shut down whenever I started feeling anything. My mind automatically drifts to something meaningless or irrelevant at the slightest show of emotion, especially around others. I hate being comforted by most people and I hate people patting me on the back and telling me things are going to be okay, when at the time they seem like they never will be again.

I am trying to trust God. I really am. I can't even trust myself right now. I went to a college service last night and I loved it. I have never really been spoken to like that before. Maybe its because it was coming from someone my age, who talks like me, and is experiencing somewhat of the same things. I am not an awsome Christian. I know that. I try, but I know that I am not, and I know that I am not the best I can be right now. I want to do better. I want to read the Bible. I have always been afraid to, but last night gave me hope that if I can read it regularly, maybe my life will start to get back on track, and maybe just help me reach my goal. I think I will need help though, but I am working on that too.