Off autopilot

Autopilot is a decent description of how I have been spending my last few months. I answer people with appropriate responses, ask appropriate questions, and try to keep an appropriate flow of conversation going.

Do you ever just not want to deal with people? Especially with people that I don't know, but who are just trying to be friendly, I find myself wanting to say "Go away" right to their face and walk away, simply because its easier than making the effort to get to know them.

You think you know people. You can let them in and allow them to know almost every part of you, and still you don't know that they are doing the same for you in return. You don't know what they are thinking, or what they want, or what they don't like, or what they wish they had. You don't know until one day, they either blow up on you, or they are just simply gone.

Its hard to get to know people when you are aware that the next day they might take that little piece of your soul that you gave them, whether it was a hug or a deep conversation or a friendship, and not be there.

This is where I was a few months ago and am still struggling with it. I have my old friends that I can tell the world too, and even if they are not physically here, I know they are not going to run away. I know that they would drive a couple hours if I truly needed them, and in vise versa.

But, right now, I am happy. I am getting to know one new person at a time. And I think the person I am getting to know right now is a pretty good start.